August 23, 2004

"Speak to God in Your Journal"

Sometimes honesty means that we have to tell God things that we don't like.  Don't be afraid to tell God how you feel.  Even Jonah and many of the prophets got angry at God.  We might not call it anger, but we might kind of give God the cold shoulder.  "I'm just not going to talk to You for awhile because I'm hurt and  upset."     

One time I was driving somewhere with my spiritual director.  He said, "You're upset about something, aren't you?"  I was upset with him.  I didn't know how to say it, "Yes, Father.  I'm really angry at you right now."  He said, "Are you angry at me about anything?"  God had given me the open door, so I said, "No, not really, Father, but I could just wring your neck."  Sometimes we have other words for anger such as disappointment. 

When it comes to our relationship with God, we think, "How can I possibly get upset with God?"  But sometimes we can.  Sometimes we can think, "Lord, why don't You do something?"  Many of us have thought, "If I were God, I would feed all the little children in the world.  If I were God, I would stop abortion.  If I were God, I wouldn't let this abuse and constant division and constant violence and constant hatred go on."  All the things that we think that we would do if we were God.  Sometimes this is a way of masking our anger at God because we think He's not doing these things.  If so, we need to journal these thoughts and feelings out, so we can hear from Him, His point of view, and what He is doing. 

Journaling helps with inner healing.  We encourage our retreatants to journal, "Where were You, God?  I was just little and You weren't there for me.  Where were You?"  Maybe it was a case of abuse, maybe a parent died, or maybe a divorce in the family and the children blame themselves for all of that.  They need to tell God how they felt,  "I had no one to help me but You, God, and You weren't there for me."  We can carry these feelings all our lives, and it can distance us from God.  We grow up knowing that we shouldn't be angry at God, but we are.  So we need to hear from Him. 

Always begin your prayer wherever you are.  If you're agitated, depressed, or feeling lonely, wherever you are, begin your prayer there.  Tell the Lord about it.  He is the God who comes.  He meets us where we are, and then He'll lift us to where He wants us to be. 

Excerpt from "Inner Healing," New York Stella Maris Retreat Center, 2001.